In the beginning, we found thirds. My boyfriend and I hit the bars seeking guys we both thought were cute. Are you an LGBTQ teen? Here are the resources you need including lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans and queer dating tips, coming out stories and news from the LGBTQ community. The only problem with that, of course, is that it’s hard to agree on things as a couple — guys included. After we separated, I became the third guy and played with couples across the country. When jealousy flared up, I bowed out. Then I tried small groups. Then bigger groups. Then my first sex club. I liked the freedom and camaraderie of playing with others without pressure or expectation. It's not a relationship. It's a sex party. That led me to large dance/play parties, events with hundreds of guys in attendance: sweat fests and dark dance floors with slings off to one side. Sometimes the party is one giant sex party. Sometimes the backroom/play area is tucked away near the bathrooms — a lights-out area you have the option of entering. No matter the specifics, you're there to play. Get past your notions about who attends them (you’ll meet pros and first-timers, kinky and vanilla, old and young) and go to one. Here’s 55 dos and don’ts of attending a gay sex party. Play nice, boys. My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely off of my own experiences. Like everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men. Those who are sensitive to frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that address sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality. For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions of sex and dating topics in the comments. Hungry for more? Follow me on Twitter and visit my blog,. Photo by Jon Dean. Every sex party is different. It may be in a guy’s apartment, in a venue (warehouse, sex club, bathhouse), or in a semi-permanent, privately owned meetup space (a guy’s apartment he uses frequently for sex parties). Some are large — fifty men at a house. Some are small — five guys on a bed. Some hosts ask attendees to bring condoms or a certain kind of gear. Others provide the essentials. Many parties are organized online. Others require you to “know a guy,” receive an in-person invite, or learn the details through word of mouth. Some sex parties are bareback. Others require condoms. Learn all you can about the party you’re attending before you show up. This way you’ll know what’s expected of you, and what you can expect. If you’re going to a house party or apartment, ask what the condom policy is beforehand. If you go to a bareback party and pull out condoms, you’ll kill the mood, and may be asked to leave. If the party is condom-only and you show up ready to play bare, you may also be asked to leave. If you’re going to a venue, you’re essentially free to do as you choose. Some venues are required by state laws to provide condoms and make them visible. Some even have signs saying you “must” use them, but I’ve played in venues in San Francisco, Los Angeles, Palm Springs, Seattle, Chicago, Dallas, Atlanta, New Orleans, Washington D.C., and New York City, and have never been told by a staffer to wrap up. Even if a venue’s promotional material implies bareback sex, most of them have complimentary condoms available. A good host won’t reveal other invitees/attendees. The unspoken agreement you make when you arrive is one of complicity and anonymity. You’re there to have sex. Everyone else is too. You're in the same boat — equally implicated — so there's no reason to judge or feel judged. Awkward run-ins happen. You may meet a coworker or enemy or ex, and you’ll have to (politely, cordially) decide how to proceed if you do. If you can’t bear it, thank the host, tell him something came up, and leave without making a scene. Young gay boy playing with pump. If you can bear it, stick around. You might have fun. Consent is sometimes non-verbal in these settings. If a guy is blindfolded with his ass up on a fuck bench, or chilling out in a sling, he’s likely giving non-verbal consent to fuck him. If a guy is sitting in front of a glory hole, he’s giving non-verbal consent for you to go on the other side and push your dick through the hole. If you see a dick sticking out of a hole, the man on the other side of the wall is giving non-verbal consent to have his dick sucked. While these (common) scenarios are obvious, other situations might not be so clear. Be aware of your body language and the body language of others, and remember that non-verbal consent gets harder to read when you add alcohol and other substances. Rejection is never easy, but the reality is that there there are many guys playing. Some will want you, some won’t. Rejection is nothing to fear — in fact, it’s one reason we love sex parties. Rejection will happen. When it happens one-on-one, it stings. When it happens in a group, you can look see the guys who are interested and play with them. It’s nothing personal and nothing to worry about. Play with the guys who click with you, or leave and go to the next sex party. There is always another one happening somewhere. Most venues have zero tolerance for drugs. You may still find drugs there, and finding drunk/high people is almost a guarantee, but bringing substances into the venue is a massive risk — one that can get you permanently banned or arrested. If you're going to a private party, ask the host what the drug policy is. Some sex parties are sober-only. Others welcome certain drugs (like alcohol) but not others. Some sex parties are oriented around specific drugs. Ask explicitly what will be happening at the party before you go. Things happen. He says there are four guys present, then you show up and there’s forty. Sometimes you’re told it’s “drug-free,” then you walk in and see guys using. Someone you walk in and come face-to-face with your ex-boyfriend. Sometimes you walk in and come face-to-face with your current (monogamous) boyfriend fucking someone. Sometimes you walk in and come face-to-face with that guy you went on a date with and it was awful, and you never texted him back. Have an exit strategy. If you don’t feel comfortable turning and leaving without a word, compose a pre-packaged excuse — “I need to go pick up a friend from another party and take him home, apparently there’s drama” — and gather your things. Whatever you do, don’t cause a scene. Neither an official venue nor someone's apartment is the proper place to have an outburst. Two key risks in taking unregulated compounds (street drugs) is that you never know what you’re taking, and you don’t know how they’ll interact with each other. These risks are true of all illicit substances, regardless if you use them at a sex party or your grandmother's Sunday luncheon. It's important to know that these risks are real. Don’t let the reality of drugs dissuade you from sex parties. Many sex parties are drug-free. Many more are not. If you make sex parties a regular part of your weekends, you will encounter substances. Some guys live in fantasies pretending drugs don’t exist, or that they can be avoided by staying away from “those people.” These guys contribute to a culture of erasure and stigma in which our brothers suffer, unaided and misunderstood. Don’t do that. If you’re sober, or if there are some substances you’ll accept and others you don’t want to be around, prepare for this discussion. Prepare polite ways to refuse, and state what you’re comfortable with without any judgement. If you’re having sex, you assume risk. Even if condoms are used, the risk for STIs like herpes still exists (and statistically, you probably already have herpes if you’re a sexually active gay man). If you’re playing bare, you assume risk of getting HIV — especially if you’re not on PrEP (). If you’re enjoying anonymous play — no talk, no names, no pre-sex chatter, just raw sex — you assume significant risk, and doing so is absolutely part of the thrill. Most of my sex is anonymous. Since risk is unavoidable, there’s no reason to let the reality of risk prevent you from enjoying what you like. Take necessary steps to keep yourself healthy. Get tested frequently, and if you're HIV-negative, get on PrEP. If you’re HIV-positive, get on meds and take them diligently. Undetectable = untransmittable — to learn what this means, click. Some parties are anonymous. They are structured with the intent of keeping the identities of everyone present relatively secret. They may be lights-off, or they may require hoods or other gear that obscures features. In certain sex spaces, some consent is forfeited with the act of entering them. A blacked-out, lights-off room, for instance, invites groping from people you can’t see. We enjoy these spaces for their anonymity, but they can be frightening to people who don’t understand their purpose. If you’re going to a kinky dungeon party and a submissive is tied and gagged and getting fucked by a group of guys, ask who is his dominant before fucking him, since his consent has been handed over to someone else. By being in that situation, some degree of consent has been forfeited — handed over — by him to someone else, so ask permission of the person it’s been given to. If there is no dominant, and he's there by his own volition, he's still forfeiting a degree of consent (especially if he's blindfolded), but if he says stop, you must stop.
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